Release

My life has felt a little hectic lately.

As you may remember from my last post, I'm sort of in a state of transition. There's a lot of new stuff happening in my life. And for the most part, that's great. But sometimes, I feel a little, well, weird.

Now, this particular weirdness (my husband would tell you I have several!) takes the form of actual physical sensations. I start to feel a little anxious. A little nervous or uneasy. There's other stuff, too, but I won't go into that right now. Suffice it to say that I just feel a little "off." 

Now, this may sound a little wacky to some of you. But believe me when I say that, over the years, I've learned that my body sends me signals when it's time for me to deal with something. And most of the time, that something is grief.

In 2005, our two-year-old son, Evan, died suddenly and unexpectedly. The loss of our child has challenged me in ways I could never have imagined. The grieving process is ongoing, and will continue, I'm quite convinced, until the day I die.

There was a point, a few years after Evan's death, that I was feeling physically ill  much of the time. I was frightened. I thought something was really wrong with me. At times I thought I was going to die. I had not a clue that the grief and pain stored away deep in my body could actually cause me physical harm. But it was. It absolutely was.

Thankfully, I was able to take steps, seek help, and take care of myself. I'm no longer consumed with feelings of anxiety and fear. But, every once in a while, I feel some of those old feelings poking their way back into my life. Like it did today. This evening. After a pleasant day spent with friends. That niggling feeling that something just wasn't right. And when I got home to my husband, I did just what my body needed. I cried and cried.

After Evan died, we asked that those wishing to honor his memory could send a donation to our local library, one of his favorite places. Well, folks did send donations. Lots of donations. We decided a way to put that money to good use would be to build an outdoor garden space where the library could hold their children's programs.

Peavey Library

Well, this past week, one of the local masons in town set about creating a beautiful outdoor patio space. We ordered a lovely granite bench engraved with Evan's name on it. I went to see the progress being made for the first time today. And somehow, to see the actual physical structure of this thing has thrown me for a loop. It's as if that stone structure, beautiful as it is, takes me right back to that awful time after we lost him. It somehow makes it oh so much more real. Which seems silly. I know Evan is gone. But this wonderful new space would not exist were it not for my son being gone from me. 

And so, my body tells me, that it is time to release. To let go. Again.

This is going to be a really lovely space. Don is doing a wonderful job.

That's Kieran in the red boots!