When it Hits...

Okay, so you know I've had issues with anxiety. This post does a pretty good job of explaining what that's been like for me, but for those of you who don't know this about me, let me break it down for you real quick like.

A couple of years ago, I became pretty obsessed with my own health.  I would just fixate on an imagined health problem, which was extremely frightening, not to mention time consuming! There's nothing worse then not being able to switch the channel of negative and scary thoughts that are playing over and over in your head.

Luckily, those days are over, and I've come a long, long way in dealing with this issue. But sometimes, every once in a while, it still hits me. Here's a little story about what that can look like.

A few night ago I awoke in the middle of the night (I think my pup might have been licking my nose...) and I yawned. A normal thing to do upon waking up. But, something just didn't feel right. There was a spot on the left side of my face, between my mouth and my nose, that felt a little sore. I ran my tongue along the gum line. And that's when I felt it. A bump. Oh my god. A bump!

Now, I've had a bump along my gum line before. I know that a bump generally means an abscessed tooth. You go to the dentist. You get treated for the infection, and generally, like has happened to me in the past, you have a root canal. Not the most pleasant experience in the world, but not life threatening or off the wall painful. And my dentist is awesome. So intellectually, I know that this is really nothing more then an expensive inconvienience.

But, it's two o'clock in the morning. I've been woken from a dead sleep. This is not the time when I am at my best. I mean, I'm barely awake. My defenses are down. So I stumble into the bathroom and try to inspect the offending spot on my gum. I didn't really see much, but it's definitely a thing. I decide to go to go the bathroom.

And that's when it hits me. I feel lightheaded. Sweat is beginning to prickle along my hairline. I feel a tremendous wave of nausea. Oh oh, here comes the dry heaves! Am I going to pass out?

I mange to finish up going "potty" (if there is a more delicate way of putting this, please let me know) before I roll myself onto the cold linoleum floor, my pajamas around my ankles. I feel absolutely horrid.

But here's the good part. I know, with absolute certainty, that this feeling will pass. And it will pass quickly. It's just a little leftover present from the "old days". As I lay on the bathroom floor, the wave of fear and sickness that literally brought me to my knees sort of just passes through me and disappears. From beginning to end, this little late night freak out may have lasted five minutes. 

There was a time when an episode like this would have completely exhausted me. Scared me out of my wits. I would have most likely obsessed with this episode for days, imagining some sort of underlying illness that was making me feel so bad.

But not this time.

I push myself up off the floor and get myself together. I even chuckle to myself, "Jeepers, Lindy, you really do a number on yourself sometimes, don't ya? It's just an infected tooth!"

Believe it or not, this experience was helpful in two ways. First, it reminds me not to get too cocky. There is a good possibility that I could be dealing with the issue of anxiety for the rest of my life.  But the second reason this was helpful to me was that I realize how far I have come. When "it" comes (which, thankfully, is so rarely), I have really learned to roll with it. I am better able to let these feelings of fear and anxiety just sort of wash over me. I don't try to fight it. It comes, and then it goes.

This, my friends, is progress.

Weekending in the Rain

Sometimes a rainy weekend is just what the doctor ordered.

This weekend found us enjoying lots of down time. But, along with that, I managed to enjoy: a little knitting, a little television, some cooking (yes, I did some cooking!), craftiness, a family walk, and a little apple picking.

Kieran chows down on kale chips he and I made together. They're easy and oh so tasty!

Along with the kale chips, we roasted a pumpkin and the pumpkin seeds. Those pumpkin seeds were roasted perfectly!

Streaming Felicity on Netflix? Yes, please!

Catching up on some crafty odds and ends.

Finished up a little gnome mobile in fall colors. Soooo cute!

Wore my new rain boots on our walk today. These were an impulse buy on a recent trip to Bangor. I actually got these at a real shoe shop, not a thrift store! I did get them on sale, however. I haven't completely lost my marbles!

Okay, I'm sort of cheating here as this chair doesn't really have anything to do with my weekend (although I did spend time cleaning it up). But isn't this fantastic? I'm in love with my new sewing table chair. Got this baby at a thrift shop in Bangor for $2.99!

Kieran picks apples in the rain. He filled his bucket and then transported them to a large bowl in the kitchen. You can just make out the hoe he used to knock the apples down. Maybe I'll go crazy and make an apple crumble or something.

Hope you all enjoyed a little bit of coziness this weekend!

Little Things

Life is often about the little things. It's those little kindnesses to one another, the pleasant routines, the cozy comforts. Taking a leisurely evening stroll. Watching a bird at the feeder. The slow, deep inhales of salty ocean air.

However, it is not these little things that I'd like to talk about today. No, it's actual little things. Tiny, wee things. Cutesy pretty (and not so pretty) things. Yes, lately I've developed a fondness for tiny treasures.

I made this owl out of sculpy clay.

I found this female alien figurine in a parking lot. See the bow in her hair? Or, attached to her head, rather.

I don't generally consider myself  a collector of stuff. Actually, strike that, since I do tend to collect fabric. Oh yeah, and maybe yarn, too. But in terms of actual collections? Not so much. Well, until now, that is.

Most of these items came from thrift shops, Goodwill, and yard sales. The exception being the amazing morel mushroom hanging up on the right (a sculpy creation made by my friend Stephanie) and the flower fairy made by my friend Jade.

My friend Anne made this mini painting, which I adore. The frame came from the thrift shop.

I believe it all started when my young friend Lila gave me a tiny wee bear with movable arms and legs. Now, I'm generally not a fan of stuffed bears, or stuffed anything for that matter. But somehow I found this wee bear rather endearing. It wasn't the color of the bear,  its soft fur or sweet face. No. It was its diminutive size that I was drawn to. So, this little bear actually found its way to my kitchen windowsill. And after awhile, surprising even myself, that bear was joined by other small objects. A miniature giraffe, small ceramic figurines like an owl, chicken and hedgehog, a small plastic alien figurine, a tiny plastic human skull, a mushroom, a mini rock that reminds me of a whale. These, and quite a few more small items, just sort of appeared to me, either on the beach (whale rock), in a parking lot (alien), as gifts (ceramic and felted chickens). At the local thrift shop I discovered teeny tiny canvases that had been painted on, most probably by children. I snapped them up, too, along with a set of teeny tiny frames.

The little bear that started it all. Thanks, Lila!

That being said, this new passion for searching for (and sometimes even making) little things has become, well, an actual thing.

Happy rock person with tiny mushroom key holder found at a yard sale (ten cents). I created the black bird using sculpy clay. To the right is a mermaid figurine made by Jade.

The parameters of this self-imposed scavenger hunt are that the items must be found, thrifted, dirt cheap, or free. Other than that, the sky's the limit!

While on a recent thrifting shop to St. Stephen I discovered a red wooden display shelf for teeny tiny tchotchkes. I had been searching for something like this for a long time as my kitchen windowsill was getting a bit crowded. This was a perfect deal at $3 so I snapped it up.

Sweet wee baby booties that are knit on needles barely bigger then a matchstick!

This mustache embroidery hoop wall art is three inches in diameter and is for sale in my Etsy shop.

Now to make a special space in my home specifically for these little objects. The side of a  kitchen cabinet  facing the dining area seemed the perfect spot. It's out of the way but has a high visibility factor. I mean, I want my things to be admired and adored by all,  naturally! (Thank you, Anne and Dana, for sufficiently  oohing and ahhing over my littles collection the other morning, by the way. Great job!) That space is now home to the doodads and miniature artworks that I have collected over the past year or so. The wonderful part is that since I have either scavenged or thrifted most of the items, I feel just fine parting with them whenever I tire of looking at them. 

The Great Wall of Little Things

Someday, I will most undoubtedly tire of my little things collection. But for now, for reasons even I don't completely understand, these little scavenged objects and cast-offs bring me big pleasure. And I'm okay with that.

Release

My life has felt a little hectic lately.

As you may remember from my last post, I'm sort of in a state of transition. There's a lot of new stuff happening in my life. And for the most part, that's great. But sometimes, I feel a little, well, weird.

Now, this particular weirdness (my husband would tell you I have several!) takes the form of actual physical sensations. I start to feel a little anxious. A little nervous or uneasy. There's other stuff, too, but I won't go into that right now. Suffice it to say that I just feel a little "off." 

Now, this may sound a little wacky to some of you. But believe me when I say that, over the years, I've learned that my body sends me signals when it's time for me to deal with something. And most of the time, that something is grief.

In 2005, our two-year-old son, Evan, died suddenly and unexpectedly. The loss of our child has challenged me in ways I could never have imagined. The grieving process is ongoing, and will continue, I'm quite convinced, until the day I die.

There was a point, a few years after Evan's death, that I was feeling physically ill  much of the time. I was frightened. I thought something was really wrong with me. At times I thought I was going to die. I had not a clue that the grief and pain stored away deep in my body could actually cause me physical harm. But it was. It absolutely was.

Thankfully, I was able to take steps, seek help, and take care of myself. I'm no longer consumed with feelings of anxiety and fear. But, every once in a while, I feel some of those old feelings poking their way back into my life. Like it did today. This evening. After a pleasant day spent with friends. That niggling feeling that something just wasn't right. And when I got home to my husband, I did just what my body needed. I cried and cried.

After Evan died, we asked that those wishing to honor his memory could send a donation to our local library, one of his favorite places. Well, folks did send donations. Lots of donations. We decided a way to put that money to good use would be to build an outdoor garden space where the library could hold their children's programs.

Peavey Library

Well, this past week, one of the local masons in town set about creating a beautiful outdoor patio space. We ordered a lovely granite bench engraved with Evan's name on it. I went to see the progress being made for the first time today. And somehow, to see the actual physical structure of this thing has thrown me for a loop. It's as if that stone structure, beautiful as it is, takes me right back to that awful time after we lost him. It somehow makes it oh so much more real. Which seems silly. I know Evan is gone. But this wonderful new space would not exist were it not for my son being gone from me. 

And so, my body tells me, that it is time to release. To let go. Again.

This is going to be a really lovely space. Don is doing a wonderful job.

That's Kieran in the red boots!

We Are Now Leaving the Comfort Zone...

Well, the past week or so has been interesting.

The bubble of summer fun that has enveloped me so comfortably these last few months has burst. I have taken a few steps out of this cozy cocoon and found myself a little outside my comfort zone. Between you and me, I think some challenge and change really needed to happen for me. And you know what? It hasn't been so bad!

Here is a list of things that have kind of rocked my world as of late:

• The real biggie, naturally, has been the decision to put Kieran in school. Yes, it's Montessori school. Yes, it's only three days a week. But still. He's been my shadow for five years. Sharing him with the rest of the world has caused me plenty of anxiety. Letting go ain't easy. But I think I'm doing okay on this front. And he's loving it. If he can do it, so can I!

• I pledged to abstain from refined white sugar for one week. This, for me, is huge. I adore sugar. I generally have at least one sweet each day, in addition to the sugar I add (often quite liberally) to my coffee. And when Moose Island Bakery came to town, forget it! I was done for! However, my need for sugar began to feel over the top and out of control. It wasn't making me feel good anymore.

I had toyed with the idea of taking a sugar break all summer, but just couldn't get myself there. So one evening, while running (which is a time when most things become crystal clear to me) I knew, just knew it was time for me to give sugar a rest. Immediately. So, as soon as I got home, I told Heron I was goin' on the wagon. Then, I got on Facebook and made myself accountable to 250 other folks. Not only would I be less likely to cheat, but I knew I could count on the support of friends far and near. I wasn't wrong. This social media stuff rocks!

As of today, I've surpassed my one week mark (it's been about 10 days or so). It hasn't been as bad as I'd envisioned. I've become more conscious of the food I'm eating, and I like feeling like I've gained back more control of what I put into my body. I'm even digging the coffee with no sugar. It's sort of a miracle!

• Another interesting development is that I have taken more of an interest in the food that comes into our house. Now, obviously I love to eat. But my husband does all of the cooking and shopping and most of the decision making about our meals. Heron is the kind of guy who goes to the store each day and creates some of the tastiest dishes I've ever eaten. I'm a lucky girl. But most of the food we eat does not come from the local farms in our area. To get local food, you need to be a bit more organized and shop at the local farmers markets or join up with the local food co-op. This is something that just doesn't work with Heron's schedule. And who can blame him? He's teaching all day and then coming home to shop and cook for his family. Well, you know who does have the time? Me. I decided that since supporting local farms and eating better quality food was important to me, I could actually take initiative and do something about it. Result? For the past couple weeks we've been eating some delicious and healthy foods grown by local farmers and other farms around Maine. And, it helps take the pressure off Heron making all the decisions about what we eat. I feel really great about this. 

• And, oh yeah. I wanted to look different. So I cut my hair. I cut a lot of hair. Which was actually sort of a big deal for me, but at the same time, when it was gone, it was gone. My long hair was, in a lot of respects, very symbolic for me. Letting go of it has felt both scary and liberating. Again, as with the sugar, the hair hasn't been that hard to live without, even though I do miss it from time to time.

I used to look like this. And actually, until recently my hair was even longer. I'd taken to hacking at it...

Now I look like this!

Looking back on the these changes, I've learned:

1. I can make myself accountable for the things I care about. So I might also have to make myself accountable to 250 Facebook friends. But hey, if it works, why not? Figuring out what works best for me is more then half the battle.
2. With very little effort, I can make lots of change.
3. Life circumstances have made letting go very difficult for me, but I'm learning (healing?) and getting better at it. It's feeling safer for me to just open myself up to the universe and all the possibilities that exist. I want my world to be big, not small.
4. I'm getting braver with age, I think!

Conclusion? Stepping out of the comfortable bubble of summer hasn't been so bad after all. I think I needed to be challenged a little bit. Kicking sugar, eating healthier and more consciously, my kid is happy, and I have a cute new haircut. Hey, if this is what the the world looks like outside my comfort zone, it's not a very bad place to be.

A Slow and Lovely Day

As I sat on the beach this afternoon, knitting in hand, Kieran chattering away between his water games, I felt that I would be completely content if all my days were just like this one.

So here's how the day goes (an abbreviated version, but not by much!):

Wake up around 8:30. Kieran has informed me that he's eaten most of the blueberries I picked yesterday and which I had intended to turn into some sort of spectacular cake. Oh well. That will teach me to sleep in!

Breakfast cereal and coffee on the deck. I putter. A little chore here, a little chore there. Dishes done and kitchen counters clean. I don't want to overdo...

Anne calls and we make a plan to hike at Shackford Head State Park, which we do. We have a lovely hike. The weather is perfect. As Kieran is fond of saying, it's not too hot, not too cold. The sun is nice and warm on our heads.

We followed the Schooner Trail, Kieran acting as hike leader. Patrick and I bring up the rear, all of us chatting and appreciating our gorgeous surroundings and the beautiful fall day.

Cecelia is becoming quite a hiker! She's changing so much.

Will you just look at that face? How I love this little guy! At this point he had just eaten some blackberries he discovered on the forest floor!

Our hike lasted an hour or so, after which we parted ways. Kieran and I had a quick lunch. I finished up an Etsy order. Then we packed a bag full of snacks, I grabbed my knitting, and we headed down to Reggie's Beach where we spent the whole afternoon. What a way to live! These days are even more precious since Kieran is in school three days a week.

Kieran likes to carry our supplies in his backpack.

This second hand, yard sale, one dollar boogie board has provided Kieran no end of fun!

The Ada Lore passes between us and Deer Island.

Always with the knitting...

I just never seem to tire of days like these. I doubt I ever will.

A Perfect September Day

Today was pretty much perfect. A day spent with some of the most beautiful women and children I know. A day spent mostly outside, we visited two different beaches (both within walking distance). I spent a lot of time with these women and children this summer at those same beaches. Today, however, felt much different. For one thing, it was chilly with that wind coming in off the water. Despite the fact that most of the children frolicked in the water (brrrr!) many of us wore hats, cozy sweaters, and jackets. And since many of the children are in school now, I miss seeing everyone on a more regular basis. So this day felt like a special treat. I sort of didn't want it to end. Yes, I do think summer is pretty much at its end. But fall is feeling pretty good, too.